The art of performance

Okay so I might not yet be an expert on this yet but in my 5+ years of singing jazz, soul and blues, these are the absolute top five NO NO's I have seen committed by fellow performers or worse still commited myself...

At number 5... Learn the bloody words... or at least make some effort to ad-lib should you forget them... there is nothing, & I mean nothing worse than a singer shuffling sheepishly over to the piano to peek at the lyrics or looking down at his scrawled notes mid song except perhaps..

Number 4... the Belting Diva...oh we know how brilliant & sexy you are... we know you can blast it like there's no tomorrow but really do you have to when performing in a space the size of a match box with the crowd mere inches away... Don't you know its really all about connecting with your audience, making them feel good and a-d-j-u-s-t-i-n-g your level to the crowd..I really do prefer my ears blood free thanks...but admittedly this horror is a slight improvement on ..

Number 3...the frightened rabbit... wild scared eyes, trembling hands, voice emitted in series of high painful squeaks, hands kept stiffly in pockets at all times.. and you are doing this for fun you say?... get back to accountancy where you belong along with the...

Number 2.. Tuneless rhythm-less warbler.. the accompanist finished minutes ago along with your fifth cue to stop singing but you'd never know it as you just continue to howl along at your own random pace tapping your foot to some bizarre melody only you can hear in your head. Feedback screeches rent the air as you lumber backwards for the third time, mic in hand into the pickup vicinity of the speakers along with ...

at Number 1 ...the indie screamer... edgy guitar based track replaced by ploddy piano accompaniment + on-stage writhing, yelling, + mic sliding = really really exceptionally naff...